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Positive Relationships Sets the Stage for Success

Our chance of success in parenting is greatly increased as we positively meet the normal, healthy needs of our children for love, acceptance, meaning, and mastery. As these needs are met our children will be less tempted to seek a place for themselves through deviant, undesirable behavior.

Our children need to know that we love them in spite of what they do. Our love and concern as parents is not conditioned on their behavior. By honestly accepting our children and liking them while not necessarily accepting or liking their behavior,  we keep the door open to change and growth. Love is, and has always been, the most powerful force in the world.

When it comes to relating to children, patience is a virtue but is not always easy to express.
“Stop acting like a child,” I overhead one frustrated mother say to her six-year-old. Although I could understand why this mother erupted in such frustration in the middle of the supermarket, her remark mirrors our frequent inappropriate expectations of our children. Much of the behavior of children that is so frustrating to us as adults is simply our children being, well, children.

To be effective as parents, we need to  Our love and concern as parents is not conditioned on the child’s behavior.have some idea of what is appropriate behavior for our children’s age and stage of development and not attack them for things they cannot help. A young father got very angry with his three-year-old son for using a paper cup as a football during a formal reception. Actually this was pretty normal behavior for a toddler who was ignored in the midst of all the adult activity.

Another mother was frustrated because her thirteen-year-old daughter ran to her room  slamming the door when her mother disapproved of the dress she was wearing. Actually, such pouting and anger are quite typical of the adolescent. We need to remember that children are uniquely children—growing organisms who have not yet reached perfection. Punishment of the child for things he or she cannot help or does not understand will only create frustration, confusion and, likely, rebellion.

We often use up so much energy nagging and correcting our children that we have little energy left to relate to them in positive ways. This is particularly true with ADHD children. In the happy families I have known, however, the interactions have a positive tone and direction. In angry, unhappy families, most interactions have a negative tone. This is one area where all of us as parents can work toward a better record. We can tip the balance in our families in a more positive direction by applying some of the following principles to our relationships:

Listen to the child. Listen without interrupting or correcting. Listen to just hear what he or she has to say.

Do something the child likes. For some this may be reading and talking, others playing touch football, others working on a craft project, or repairing the car.

Give the child some space. Let the child do his or her own thing as long as the activity does not infringe on the rights of others. We are saying, in essence, “I trust you to make some choices for yourself about what you will do with your time.”

Avoid conflict when possible. Conflict, at times and to some degree, is inevitable. While most parents seek to avoid conflict, some seem to delight in having a head on collision with their children. However, both parents and children gain when potential conflict is avoided. A power struggle only creates hostility and negative feelings which hurts everyone. When you do need to draw the line and establish a limit, do so firmly and quickly with as little verbal combat as possible.

Look for the child’s good points. Everyone has some gift. Everyone does something well. Everyone has some redeeming features. The sparkle is there if we only look for it. Ours will be a much happier family if we look for the other persons talents rather than their faults.

As parents we teach through relationships .

We show our children what love is by loving. We teach forgiveness by forgiving. We teach honesty by being honest. We cannot substitute things for affection. Often adults have been heard to say, “I received everything I needed form my parents except the love and understanding I needed most.”

The child with ADHD draws criticism and negative feedback like a magnet. Relationships in the family often mushroom into a back hole of negativism. Parents find themselves constantly correcting, redirecting, and limiting. The child too often responds in sullenness and more self-defeating behavior. It takes effort to reorient the family atmosphere to a more positive spin. But it can be done. And it is well worth the effort.

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